June 1, 2011

A new start.

I thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and the day before that, too.
I think of you in silence,
I often say your name,
But all I have is memories
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping,
I have you in my heart.

I shed tears for what might have been,
a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
in death I love you still,
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
but you didn't go alone,
For part of me went with you,
the day God took you home
Today is June 1st. The significance of this is it's a brand new month. May was horrible. Right down horrible. To many bad things. I'm mentally and physically worn out. With everything going on, plus being almost 8 months pregnant, I'm tired.

Max's funeral was beautiful. He's a blessed and loved little boy. I can't even describe how much he will be missed. He had so many people there to support his mommy and daddy. Seeing him lay in the casket was hard. Pretty much a kick in the gut. Truth is when I went down on the Thursday he passed away, I didn't go in to see him. I couldn't do it. When Sean and I left on the Sunday before, I said what I wanted to say and had great peace with that. For me, seeing him again like that would have been too hard. When I went on Thursday, I was there for support. So seeing him again for the first time in the casket was hard. It was so tiny and I wish that no one else ever has to go through something like that. The prayer service was powerful and something that stands out is how the pastor mentioned that right now Kevin and Kelci are on pause with life with Max. That someday, the play button will be hit and they will be reunited again as a family. And I'm sure with that, Kevin and Kelci have peace. They also played some baby songs and the song, "Temporary home" by Carrie Underwood. A fitting song and now every time I hear that song, I'll think of sweet Max.

I have my moments where it's hard and other moments I'm doing ok. I miss him so much. Last week I had a lot of moments where I felt bad for being happy and enjoying time with Sean and Lyla. Max has always been on my mind, and it was hard for me to be enjoying the time knowing Max wouldn't get to do those things. Or Kevin and Kelci wouldn't get to enjoy those times with him. I know I can't live like that, and no one would even want to. But those thoughts were always there. I can't even put my feelings into words. There's so much I want to say but I really don't know how to write it down.

I'm amazed at the strength of Kevin and Kelci. To me, my brother seems so young and something like this shouldn't have happened to them. I can't even begin the fathom how they truly feel. I know how I'm doing with it all and I'm his Aunt. But to be his mom and dad and having to do it, just seems unreal. I'm proud of them for how strong they have been and how they've been there and leaned on each other so well. Such a strong couple.

There are times I still don't feel like it's true. The words, my nephew passed away, don't seem real. It couldn't have possibly happened.
He's too cute.
He's too blessed.
He's too loved.
He couldn't possibly have something bad happen to him. Right?
While I'll never understand it, I have peace that he's in a better place. He's healed and happy, and that I have peace with.

I miss sweet Max!
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